Does your life suck? Would you like to say something to that hot arse guy or girl but you just ain’t got the guts? Thirsty? No money? Here are some tricks for you to get some gasoline to feed your engine. Ladies and alcohol, the sacred inventory of smart moves that will make you get your ALCOHOL FOR FREE!

If you’re a student and preferably a girl: make sure you fail an important exam. Dress nerdy and then go to a bar where friends and acquaintances usually go. Wear a sad face. As the conversation develops, become even sadder. At some point somebody will ask the question and you will explain how the failure has completely messed up your life and is about to send you beyond the gates of the Great Depression. “Poor you. Can I offer you a drink in order to make you feel better?” is probably what you’re going to get next. Warning: the next day you really risk failing an exam.

If you’re a woman: put on a dress to kill. Have your nails done. Have your hair done. Red polish and red lipstick are a must. Get invited to a party or simply go to a bar. Look available but not too available. Order your first drink and start socializing or dancing. It will take about fifteen minutes for some guy to approach you. Pretend you’re interested in the conversation. “Can I offer you a drink?” will pop out soon. Warning: you risk extreme boredom, which will make you say “yes” for the next seven Martinis. I wouldn’t want to be you if you have to get up early the next day.

You could also go to a bar wearing nothing but an impermeable and a bikini, stand in the middle of the crowd, take the impermeable off and than ask: It’s so hot. Who wants to offer me a drink? Warning: you may risk getting arrested. But you’ll be drunk and happy in your cell.

If you’re a man: dress up. Go to a bar. Start chatting with the women at the bar. Invent a story about how your wife has dumped you for your best friend, your dog got hit by a car, the house caught fire and you got fired after being mugged. Chances are you’ll get a free drink from both ladies and gents. Warning: you risk getting caught and hit by a girl.

If you’re an Internet addict: do some severe spamming on Facebook and Twitter. Sooner or later somebody will offer you a drink somewhere. Warning: you risk meeting some real wackos or getting kicked off the portals.

If you’re crazy: ask some friends to go out to dinner. Choose a fancy restaurant. Get all dressed up. Behave normally. At some point during the dinner conversation it’s time to fall off the chair and pretend to be dead. Everybody will worry. As soon as they surround you, maintain the suspense for a bit and then start talking bullshit. They will probably ask you if you’re ok and at that point you’re going say the magic phrase: I need a drink. Warning: you might risk losing your friends.

Or you could change a career and start organizing parties. Or buy a bar. Or become famous. Or a stripper. The thing is – free stuff is usually the most expensive one. Life happens. So go get a drink (and don’t forget to pay for it!)